If you’re feeling angrier than you ever have and you’re in the postpartum period, you may be experiencing postpartum rage. You’re not alone, it happened to me after I had my twins and I had no idea what was going on, despite my background in psychology. They didn’t teach us about postpartum rage.
Postpartum Rage vs. Postpartum Depression
Postpartum rage, while not an official diagnosis, sometimes coincides with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Postpartum depression typically involves feeling detached from your new baby, feeling like you’re not good enough, and that your baby would be better off without you. (Hold on, this isn’t true, no matter what your brain is telling you right now.)
Things that can exacerbate postpartum depression include not having adequate support, lack of sleep, history of mental illness, and fluctuating hormone levels.
Postpartum rage, also known as postpartum anger, occurs in the months or weeks postpartum and often includes periods of intense anger, angry outbursts, mood swings, feelings of rage that you haven’t experienced before, and feelings of irritability.
Postpartum rage and postpartum depression are not just for new moms. I didn’t develop postpartum rage or depression with my first child, but did after the birth of my twins, when my oldest was 2 years old. It can happen to anyone.
What Intense Anger is Like
Symptoms of postpartum rage can sneak up on you and you can go from being just fine one moment to flipping out the next. This may include yelling, throwing things, storming off, and an overall sense of rage deep inside of you that you’ve never experienced before in your life.
That’s how it was for me at least.
I’ve always been a rather quiet and mild-mannered person but all of that changed after I had my twins.
I would go from sitting on the floor with them, feeding them their bottles in their bouncers while I pumped more milk for them, all calm, to feeling this intense, terrifying anger rise up inside of me if something went wrong.
Often it would come out of no where. Things would be fine then BAM I’d have intense feelings of anger and rage that I couldn’t control. I never hurt my children, of course, but I did have scary thoughts sometimes.
This all left me feeling like I was a bad mom who simply couldn’t handle having twin newborns and a 2 year old, especially alone with them 10 hours a day while my husband was at work.
I described more of my postpartum depression experience in my postpartum depression blog post here.
Symptoms of Postpartum Rage
Symptoms of postpartum rage include:
- Having intense feelings of anger
- Angry outbursts, including yelling, screaming, or swearing more than usual (I told myself I’d never yell at my kids or swear around them…postpartum rage changed that, and I felt like such a bad mom, which only made things worse).
- Uncontrollable anger
- Feeling the urge to punch or hit something
- Feeling that you can’t control your emotions
- Feelings of irritability that leave you and everyone else on edge
- Ruminating on an event longer than you typically would.
Everyone may have varying symptoms but the intense anger and feelings of irritability are very common.
Causes of Postpartum Rage
You may be wondering, why am I experiencing postpartum rage when others aren’t? I wondered the same thing.
- If you have a history of mental health conditions including anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, or depression, you’re more likely to experience postpartum rage. Again, I had a history of depression yet didn’t experience postpartum rage or depression after having my first child, but did with my twins. So a history of mental health conditions doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll develop postpartum rage.
- Postpartum rage often accompanies other postpartum mood disorders including postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression.
- Lifestyle changes: postpartum rage and other postpartum mood disorders are common in new moms due to the huge lifestyle change they’re undergoing from becoming a mother. It’s a huge adjustment to care for a new baby. It’s also common to happen in mothers of multiples, like me, since it’s incredibly overwhelming and overstimulating to have TWO newborns at once.
- Lack of sleep can also lead to postpartum rage and other postpartum mood disorders. This is sadly quite unavoidable but something to realize that is often a factor.
- Lack of support, whether that be emotional support, family support, or peer support, it’s hard to do all of this on your own. Even if you have a supportive partner, chances are they aren’t always able to be there.
Remember the saying “it takes a village to raise a child?” Most of us aren’t lucky enough to have a village to help us out anymore. Typically,the mom is the primary person taking care of the children, whether she’s a working mom or stay-at-home mom, and she doesn’t receive the right support. One thing I wish I would have done after having my twins is ask for help more. I wish I would have hired a postpartum doula to help me handle my two newborns and 2 year old, as well as take on some overnights so my husband and I could catch up on some sleep.
But alas, we felt we could do it all on our own and didn’t want to incur the extra expense, especially on one income.
How to Cope with Postpartum Rage
The most important thing to know when dealing with postpartum rage is that you’re not alone. Just because there isn’t an official DSM diagnosis, doesn’t mean that it’s not a thing. There are plenty of articles online from reputable medical sources discussing postpartum rage, it’s real, and it can be debilitating.
- Tell someone: Talk with someone you trust, whether that be a friend, romantic partner, therapist, or doctor, talk with them about how you’re feeling.
- Beyond telling someone, seek out professional help. It wasn’t until I started weekly therapy that I finally started to feel better.
- Seek out support groups: whether online or in person, there are often support groups which can help you through this difficult time and help you realize that you’re not alone.
- Ask for help: though your head is full of ‘shoulds’ right now that you ‘should’ be able to handle a newborn (or two) and the household, etc. doesn’t mean that you have to do it all on your own. Not everyone has experienced what you’re experiencing and it’s ok, and important, to ask for help! Whether that be with cleaning, caring for your children, running errands, etc.
- Lifestyle changes: though the last thing you want to do right now is eat healthy, I’ve found that incorporating more protein and vegetables into my diet really helped. I asked my husband to help prep vegetables such as cleaning and cutting up carrots for me for the week, along with other veggies, so I could just grab them from the fridge and snack of them. This helped me not always reach for chips or other junk food which just made me feel even worse about myself (I still did sometimes, nobody is perfect).
- Ask your partner to help: if you have a partner through all of this, ask them to help. One thing we did was once my husband came home from work, he took over with the kids while I made dinner or just went and took a short break. Often, I’d do the dishes after dinner and have headphones on with music so I could block everyone out and have a little time to myself, even though I was washing dishes. My kids are older now and I still do this sometimes. In addition to that, since it’s not a real break if you’re doing chores, we have come up with a system where I get Thursday nights and Sundays ‘off’ in terms of parenting. Being a stay-at-home mom, this really helps to have some time away from the kids. Another thing we’ve done is my husband volunteered, from the beginning, to take care of bedtime and bathtime. Again, a huge help and break for me after being alone with the kids all day.
- Build ‘Time Off” into your schedule: You deserve a break and it doesn’t have to be expensive or even away from the home. I used to have weekly therapy on Thursday evenings and just having that 20 minute drive each way plus the 60-minute therapy session was such a nice break away from home that I really came to need. Once I was done with weekly therapy, after about a year, my husband and I still had me take Thursday evenings ‘off’ from parenting. I get to do what I want, which typically is working on my blog, reading, or watching TV and playing games on my iPad, and am not in charge of the kids at all. It’s great. I also have this on Sundays. Keep in mind, I am with my kids 24/7 other than these times since they do online school so they’re always under my care. Also, I’m an introvert so I need to be alone for chunks of time to recharge my battery. This helps a lot.
- Beyond therapy, medication may help: For me, even after 6 months of weekly therapy, I realized I needed something more. Though the incidences of postpartum rage, angry outbursts, and self-injurious behaviors (coming back from my teenage years) had lessened, I still felt this scary internal rage that I wanted to get rid of. I started seeing a psychiatrist in addition to my therapist and was prescribed antidepressants/selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, which is the thing that FINALLY made that mom rage dissipate. Years later, we added an as-needed anxiety medication, which has really helped, especially around PMS due to my PMDD.
- Figure out your triggers, and try to reduce them: I realized that one of my triggers was the smell of poop. This was unfortunate since I had 3 kids in diapers for years and my oldest has continued to have ‘poop issues’ well into elementary school. Once I realized this particular trigger, I would use a non-toxic odor eliminator and spray it in areas where it smelled like poop, when the kids weren’t in the room. This helped a lot. I also realized that I would get overstimulated by the noise so I bought noise-cancelling headphones that I’m honestly wearing right now, with them on, but nothing is playing. Even this helps dampen the noise so I can concentrate but not fully block everything out.
- Journal: With my history of depression, I learned from a young age that journaling / writing about my feelings can really help. Once I started my blog and writing about my experiences with twin pregnancy, parenting twins, and history of depression and other issues, I felt a bit better just getting it all out there. I’m not saying you need to start a blog, but just having a journal or a Google doc where you can jot down your thoughts, ideas, and frustrations can be helpful. I have a private journal as well, I don’t put everything online.
If You’re In Danger
If you feel that your life or the life of your new baby or children are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911 or one of the resources below:
- If you’re feeling suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 or text “HELLO” to 741741
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers support for people with mental illness. Someone is available to take your calls or texts five days a week. Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or text “HelpLine” to 62640.
- Motherhood Understood is an online community of people who’ve had postpartum depression who can help you find the support you need.
- Postpartum Support International (PSI) offers a phone crisis line (800-944-4773) and text support (503-894-9453) for anyone that needs help during the postpartum period.
- If nothing else, put the baby in the crib or another safe place, and walk into the other room to do some deep breathing and take a little sanity break. I had to do this often. Of course, ensure they are safe first and don’t be gone long but it’s also important not to hurt your children or yourself, as you already know. It can be hard to realize in the heat of the moment though, so have a plan of what you’ll do to keep everyone safe.
Closing
Whether you’re a new mom or an experienced mom, postpartum rage can bubble up and take you by surprise, like it did me. You aren’t a bad mom and you aren’t broken forever. Reaching out for help, seeking professional help, support groups, and support from your significant other can really help you through this. Take care of yourself, you’re worth it and you can get through this, even though right now, it may not seem like it.
Medical Disclaimer:
While I’m trained in psychology, I’m not a licensed clinical psychologist and am not providing medical advice in this blog post. I’m sharing my own personal experience and basic information to help you in your journey. I always suggest talking to your healthcare provider about your symptoms of postpartum rage and/or depression, and advocating for yourself.
As a mom of identical twins and a son two years older, I have gained invaluable experience in the realm, and chaos, of parenting. With a Master's Degree and Education Specialist Degree in School Psychology, I spent years as a school psychologist, helping children navigate through their educational and emotional challenges. Now as a stay at home mom and professional blogger, I combine my areas of expertise to help you in your parenting journey.